


In The Family Way

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Babyfic, Canon Het Relationship, F/M, Het, Humor, Kid Fic, Time Travel, Timey-Wimey, out of sequence babyfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29197797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: The Doctor and River have a baby. In the wrong order. Because that's just how they roll.
Relationships: Eleventh Doctor/River Song, Tenth Doctor/River Song, Twelfth Doctor/River Song
Comments: 18
Kudos: 78





	In The Family Way

**Author's Note:**

> (If you're wondering how this fits their timelines, don't panic, it's doesn't.)

The Doctor was travelling alone but he wasn't miserable. Of course he wasn't miserable, he was fine. He was always fine. The past few months had been spectacularly crap in a number of ways but he himself was, of course, fine. He hardly ever thought about Donna, except when he saw women with red hair, but that was normal and not weird at all. He didn't even worry that much about the fact that he'd sent his severed hand to live with Rose even thought said hand was slightly genocidal sometimes. Everything was fine.

He was currently at a market in seventh century Wessex, which meant he might get the chance to tell his joke about how the North Saxon colony of Nosex only lasted one generation. That was one of his favourite jokes, but a bit risque for some audiences. Donna, for instance, would have... no, he wasn't going to think about Donna. He was fine, remember?

He felt a tug on his coat and glanced down. A small child of about four or five years old was standing next to him, staring up wide-eyed. 

He crouched down a bit to speak to what he assumed was probably a girl. “Are you lost?” 

She shook her head. The Doctor frowned. “You're a bit young to be on your own,” he said, “there must be someone looking after you.”

“There you are!” called a voice from behind him. The voice was familiar. Worryingly so. 

The Doctor stood up straight and turned to look at River Song, who had died six months ago but was still alive and well in there here and now. He opened his mouth to greet her, but then a thought stuck him. 

He looked at the child again. He looked back at River Song. 

“Oh, it's you,” she said, breezily. “Fancy meeting you here.” She took the child's offered hand and looked around her in a way she probably thought was inconspicuous. “Thanks for looking after her,” she said, “I'd love to stay and chat but we're in a hurry.” With that she pushed back into the crowd and the Doctor lost sight of her.

Well. 

That was.

A thing that had happened.

Might be best to add it to the list of things he wasn't thinking about. 

–

A year later (relatively) the Doctor was idly stroking the TARDIS console (completely innocently, of course) when he heard the hiss of a vortex manipulator and River Song appeared at his side. She was not alone.

“Here,” she said, handing him the baby she was holding, “I need you to look after her for a few hours. Bit busy. I'll be back as soon as I can.” She blew him a kiss and then vanished again before he could protest that he wasn't a babysitter. 

The Doctor looked at the baby. The baby blinked at him. He put it down on the crash seat and ran his hands through his own hair. A baby. River Song had a baby. And now _he_ had River Song's baby. 

The baby wailed. “No, no, no,” he said, anxiously, “don't cry, you'll wake Amy and Rory.” He picked the baby up and held it against his chest. “Shh... I've got you. Do you want something to eat? Or we could play with your lack of object permanence, that's always fun.”

A few obvious concerns presented themselves. For a start and most obviously, if River Song had a baby then was there another parent and who might that be? 

It would be a very simple matter to scan the baby to find out what species it was. Wouldn't take long to do a paternity test, either. 

But would that be creepy? Was it stepping outside the bounds of acceptable babysitting behaviour? _Hello, River,_ he thought to himself, _I scanned your baby, I hope that's not weird..._ No, best not. 

Besides, the baby was making crying noises again. It was also damp. Well, that's probably why it was crying. 

“I don't have any baby equipment,” he protested, but that didn't deter the damp infant. He carried it through the interior door and headed away from the Ponds' room so they wouldn't be disturbed by the noise.

“Any chance of a nursery?” he asked the TARDIS. He opened a door at random and stepped into a room with yellow wallpaper and – thank every god he'd ever run into – the aforementioned baby equipment. He could worry about where it had come from later, now he had to clean and change the baby. 

Without dwelling on the disgusting details, the Doctor soon had a dry and sleepy baby in his arms. “Thanks, dear,” he said to his ship, closing the nursery door behind him. Back to the console room, because that seemed like the most likely place for River to reappear and take the child back to wherever and whenever it usually lived. 

Maybe a _quick_ scan... No, there were some mysteries that should be kept mysterious. He sat down with the baby in his arms and waited.

– 

A while later he found himself in an exciting adventure with some Daleks, an alligator, and River Song. For once nobody died, so he was in quite a good mood when the time came to say goodbye to her. There was a bit of kissing, but no tongues, so it wasn't too terrifying. 

“River,” he began as she fiddled with her vortex manipulator, “are you... seeing anyone?”

She looked up. “Well, yes. You.”

“No, as in... um... are you seeing anyone as in... romantically?”

“Yes. You.”

“Just me?” he asked.

River looked surprised. “I don't remember agreeing that we were going to be exclusive.” She sounded a bit annoyed. “There's no need to be jealous, Doctor.”

“I'm not,” he protested, although now that he knew he had something to be jealous _of_ he did feel a bit insecure.

“I don't say anything about you and your younger women,” she continued.

“River, at my age there aren't many older women left!” he snapped defensively.

“I'm not getting into an argument about it,” said River. “Especially not when we haven't gone beyond a bit of groping in a corridor yet.”

“I was helping you climb the ladder!”

“That's even worse! I can't even get a decent grope from my own -” she stopped. “No spoilers.”

“Look, I don't want us to part on bad terms,” said the Doctor, “so let's just pretend I never said anything.”

“Oh, I hate you.” She raised her wrist to activate her vortex manipulator.

“No you don't,” he said as she vanished.

\- - 

In terms of sheer slap-force, River ranked slightly above Donna but some way below Jackie Tyler. The Doctor rubbed at his cheek and waited to find out what he had or hadn't done.

“You knew!” said River, in a tone of accusation.

“I know lots of things,” he said, hurt in both face and ego. “I can't help knowing things, I'm very clever and I have a time machine.”

“That's why you asked if I was seeing anyone else,” she continued. “You were trying to work out if it was yours!”

Oh. Of course. He looked down at her abdomen. “Are you... with child?”

“If you can cause it you can say it.”

“I haven't caused it!” he protested. “You and I have never... we haven't... not that I assume we _will_ at some point. In fact I never even think about that sort of thing, so you can't blame me.”

River sighed. “This is the problem with time-travel,” she said. “It's all fun and games until someone gets pregnant out of sequence.”

“It's not _all_ fun and games,” said the Doctor, “sometimes there's danger, or at least mild peril.”

“Yes, but you enjoy that.” River raised a hand to silence him. “Don't pretend you don't, I'm the last person that lie will work on.”

“In any case,” he said, trying to steer the conversation away from his own tawdry quirks, “it's not like I could give you advance warning of your maternal state. Something like that definitely counts as spoilers. And as I said, it wasn't me. Possibly it _was_ me, but it wasn't _me_.” He was trying very hard not to say 'timey-wimey' and he hoped she appreciated that effort.

She did not.

\- - 

Three months after River announced her pregnancy, the Doctor finally attended the conception. Possibly. Well it was certainly more likely to be this occasion than any of the ones where they hadn't explored that side of their relationship. So to speak.

A Time Lord doesn't kiss-and-tell _but_ he felt it was important to note that River didn't have any complaints about their encounter. Quite the opposite in fact, though – as noted – Time Lords don't gossip about things like that.

The crucial thing was that he hadn't caused a paradox by failing to seduce his own wife. Doing that once had been embarrassing enough, he'd have died of shame if it had happened _again_.

\--

The doors opened and he turned to see River on his doorstep with a child in tow. “Sorry,” said River, “wrong TARDIS.” And she turned to leave.

“Hang on,” he said, scampering across the room towards them. “Is this..?” he waved a hand to indicate the little girl beside her.

River hesitated. “Spoilers.”

“We've already met,” said the Doctor. He leaned down to get a closer look at the child in question. “Hello.”

“What happened to your eyebrows?” asked his probably-daughter, quite rudely in his opinion.

“I told you,” said River, “he doesn't always have those eyebrows.”

The girl considered this for a moment. “I don't like him without eyebrows.”

The Doctor straightened up. “That's not a very nice thing to say to your... well, it's not a very nice thing to say to _anyone_.”

“I don't know where she gets it from,” said River, a bit too casually.

The Doctor looked at River. River looked at the Doctor. The little girl stared openly at the two of them staring at each other. There was a long uncomfortable silence.

“Well,” said River, “nice to see you again, but we're supposed to be meeting a different you.”

“One with eyebrows.”

“Yes.”

River took the girl's hand and tugged her towards the doors. “Come along, darling, let's not give too much away about future plot twists.”

“Bit late for that,” said the Doctor, lightly.

\- - 

River zapped into existence in the console room. “You would not _believe_ the day I've had.”

The Doctor raised his magnificent eyebrows. “Really? Why not?”

“It's a just figure of speech, Sweetie.”

“Oh.” 

“Where's Amelia?” asked River.

“She's doing her homework in the library.” He paused. “Well, she's in the library. She might not be doing her homework.” He shrugged, unconcerned. 

River didn't seem worried either. “I'll go and change,” she said. “I'm covered in bits of archaeology.”

“I didn't want to mention it,” said the Doctor, “but that's a good idea.” He looked her up and down. “I could help,” he suggested, trying to make himself look attractive.

River winked at him. “Maybe later.” 

The Doctor winked back at her and smiled. It was always good to have something to look forward to.

==


End file.
